Last summer, I lost something. I went from being surrounded by friends 24/7, the familiarity of classes, the comfort of my sorority house and a seemingly limitless future ahead of me, to sitting alone in my grandpa’s lake house, applying to job after job and fighting my anxiety (and losing). After graduation, I lost the safety net that is college. I’m good at being a student, but graduating with no job lined up felt like having the ground pulled out from under me — I grieved that loss.

Then I really lost something. My worst nightmare occurred: On July 13th, my mom died unexpectedly. I had just received my first job offer, and she was so excited. I was going to spend the summer with her and my dad at their new home in Tennessee, and then move to Atlanta to begin my fellowship at the Centers for Disease Control.

The whole thing was a blur. I got the call from my dad around noon. She had had a heart attack. By 3 p.m. she was gone.

My mind has been mush ever since that day as I’ve attempted to comprehend the suddenness of it all. She had type 1 diabetes, but was managing it and was otherwise healthy. Nobody saw this coming.

Even more confounding was the idea that she wouldn’t physically be around anymore. She was always there. It was impossible to ignore her. The lack of her presence didn’t make sense because she was never one to fade into the background. Her smile, her heart, her voice, were all-consuming.

She was my biggest fan, my fiercest advocate, my most trusted teacher and one of my best friends. She was so proud of me that the timing of her death, two months after graduation and three weeks after I got my first job, felt like a cosmic joke. Or harshly intentional, as if she was saying, “I’ve done all I had to. You’ve got it from here.”

I don’t got it from here, though. I’ve spent the past year and a half trying to figure everything out without her, from renting an apartment, to filling out employment paperwork, to cooking asparagus. She somehow always knew exactly what to say and do.

After my first day at the CDC, the need to call her nearly ripped me in half. When work got tough and I felt like I was drowning, I wished she could hug me and tell me it would get better. I was struggling to even get up in the morning and it showed.

It didn’t help that I was alone in a new city, in a tiny, dingy apartment with no friends. I have never felt more alone. I have struggled with depression for years, and all my mom ever wanted was to see me happy. Suddenly, that felt impossible. Even if I did find happiness after everything, she wouldn’t even be there to see it. The person who loved me the most in this world didn’t inhabit it anymore. Did she take that love with her?

My job wasn’t what I expected. I wanted to quit, run away, get in my car and drive and never look back towards Atlanta. But I felt like I would be letting her down if I let go of this opportunity. She was so proud of me.

Eventually I realized my mom wouldn’t be disappointed if I quit. She wanted me to be happy, and if this wasn’t making me happy, she would understand. She was proud of me no matter what. So I got a new job, got in my car and drove, Atlanta in the rear view.

At this time I also realized that the lack of her physical presence did not negate the love she had for me. In the 22 years we had together, she had loved me enough for a thousand lifetimes.

I suppose that my point is that I know that life is going to take me a lot of places, or at least I hope so, and I’ll take my mom and everything she taught me on the way. She would never be upset that I followed my heart, no matter what plane she exists on.

My other point is that it’s important to take care of yourself, and be especially selfish in hard times. Sometimes, career plans change, and you don’t have to kill yourself to make something work when it’s not.

If you’re struggling, don’t tough it out just because you’re afraid of failure, or you’d be embarrassed. Don’t stay miserable because of someone else — it’s your life. If you have the means to get out of a shitty situation, take that opportunity and run with it. Anyone who cares about you will be proud of you just for that.