Growing Up in a Sex-Positive Household
Once when I was in middle school, my parents came home from a bar, slightly tipsy, and my mom sat on my bed to chat with me. I don’t remember much of the conversation, but I know one of the last things she said (before I promptly kicked her out and hid under my comforter) was, “Sex is a beautiful thing.”
This wasn’t an uncommon occurrence in my house, as my mom, a blunt woman who had no problem speaking her mind, often dropped little nuggets of wisdom like that. She explained to me that she wanted to make sure I didn’t feel the same way she did as a teenager: afraid and ashamed of sex. She grew up in a strict Catholic home, and her mother rarely, if ever, mentioned sex and sexuality to her children. My mom felt dirty for having natural feelings and being a sexual being. She didn’t want me to feel that way, because sex is a beautiful thing, and a large part of life for most of us.
Though it might be mortifying as a 12-year-old to hear your mother talk about sex, learning at a young age that sex and sexual pleasure are normal (and good) is an overall great thing, especially for young girls.
I didn’t know then how valuable my mom’s openness was. Sure, young girls going through puberty don’t want to hear from their mothers that “it’s okay to touch yourself,” but that’s how you form ideas about sex and your sexuality. If your parents never discussed it with you, you would get the impression that it’s bad, taboo and never to be discussed.
This leads to shame around sex and and unwillingness to ask questions about sex and sexual health. Feelings of embarrassment, shame and guilt around sex have extremely damaging effects. Studies have shown that children prone to feeling shame are more likely to engage in risky behavior such as unprotected sex or drug use.
The way sex is portrayed in the media, even today, can be harmful, and that shouldn’t be the only source of information teenagers receive about it. However, refusing to discuss sex with your child will force them to learn from the media, or their peers. This can then leave them vulnerable to unplanned pregnancy, STIs, and even sexual predators. Adolescents who have open, honest communication with their parents about contraception tend to use contraception more often.
It may be uncomfortable, but it’s much safer for kids to know the truth and understand that their feelings and curiosity are normal. Parents may think they’re protecting them and their innocence, but you can’t hide the realities of sex from them forever. It’s better for everyone to be open and honest with them, answer their questions and ensure they are safe, happy and healthy in all aspects of their life, including sexuality.
In the end, I’m grateful my mom was as blunt as she was. She did have her faults, and became a bit more uncomfortable and unwilling to preach sex-positivity once I reached an age where me actually having sex became a possibility. All in all, though, she taught me the truth about sex and warned me not to let anyone pressure or shame me, one way or the other. If she hadn’t, I wouldn’t be nearly as comfortable with my body and my sexuality as I am today.
Sex is natural — it shouldn’t an off-limits topic. It can also bring a myriad of emotions with it: happiness, pleasure, guilt, embarrassment, insecurity. That’s why it’s so important to be open about it. Going through puberty in a sex-positive environment not only led me to make smarter decisions when it came to sex, but instilled in me a strong sense of independence and self-worth.
